Run with me in the rain of thoughts...

I've decided to write on these two related issues because I am feeling low yesterday and today. The irony is that although I stand tall at 1.71m, I have a very low esteem. One insult, one discriminating stare, every month's PMS will reduce me into a depressed wreck.

Why yesterday and today? Well, it all started yesterday when I was conducting a subject's project meeting. I was the leader of the group, although I wasn't supposed to be. For all the group projects, it was usually my other group mate that headed the group. It so happened that for this semester, we are grouped together for 2 units; Strategic Marketing and Advertising 211.

My group mate, call her A, was a good leader. She headed the Strategic Marketing project which was a rather demanding project. Thus, for Advertising 211, she suggested to B and I to have either one of us as the Ad211 leader. I volunteered.

I volunteered because B and I had another group project for Media Planning and I reckoned that Ad211 would be less demanding than Media Planning. It was rather selfish for me to choose Ad211 rather than Media Planning. And I got my retribution for that...

The first meeting for Ad211 was uneventful. I was supposed to head the project meeting but it seemed that A was leading it instead of me. I was rather okay about it, until the point where we were discussing on the format of the project and she suggested to place a portion in the earlier segments. B and I felt it should not be so and I tried to explain to her. A kept her silence and looking at her uncertain face, I asked her whether she understands what I was trying to say.

"Well, up to you, you are the project leader, I will just follow what you said." was her reply with a shrug.

Maybe I was too sensitive.

Maybe I was being very sensitive.

But what she said really hit a nerve in my brain. I was irritated, pissed. Why? Because she wanted one of us to be the leader, which I did. But she 'subconsciously' headed the first project meeting and after I tried to express my opinions, she shut me off with that sentence. I kept my silence because I do not know whether I overreacted. If I did, then it was ridiculous of me to shoot her back.

Thus, I tried to erase that thought away and tried to direct the group by assigning sections and information to them. Then, we had a meeting yesterday.

My dad had his birthday yesterday. Thus, I told them that I had to go off early while they continue the project discussion. We started our meeting at 5, with A, B and another mate. I was supposed to go off at 7pm, thus, I really wanted to discuss certain parts before I went off.

When we started the discussion, I noticed A was reading the Female magazine B brought for the meeting. I discreetly told her that the meeting started and she said okay. But throughout the discussion, she was reading the magazine and not contributing to the section that I was heading. Once in awhile, she would look up and listened. But she was reading the magazine the whole time I was trying to conduct the discussion.

I felt very pissed. She's not giving me any respect at all. And I was pissed with myself for keeping my mouth shut and not trying to tell her to keep her magazine and contribute. But at the same time, I was trying to figure out why is she behaving that way. Was it because she's going to head the discussion after I left and thus decided to 'time off' for awhile? Was it that I wasn't contributing enough for the other project so she was trying to show her attitude to me in this project?

I can't figure it out.

I left the group at 6.15pm because I felt weary, I felt anger in me. If I stayed on, my face would give my emotions away. Or it already gave my emotions away.

Maybe I was too sensitive. I might have been too paranoid and read too much into her actions. But I felt my ego was crushed. She didn't treat me like a leader at all. It was just a name, a shell with nothing inside.

She made me feel weak again. She made me feel so useless at myself.

It wasn't her fault, because I can choose to stand up for myself. But I couldn't. I was too weak...

She was the catalyst to the pain I am causing to myself. If I am stronger, I can stand up for myself and not be trampled on by her. I was never good at arguements and quarrels. I was bad at expressing my opinions, I wasn't sharp enough. That is why I kept my silence. Because I thought even if I spoke up, she would probably said something back that left me stumped. And I would lose even more.

Why these two issues again? Because I want to rant about myself. When I scrutinize myself, I see a weak mind. I see an ugly face. I spot the flabby areas around me.

I spotted too much weak points in myself that I drowned in self pity. I hated myself, I hated being weak, I hated everything about me. I caused my low self-esteem.

My younger sister told me that her friends and herself thinks that I am pretty. I see nothing in me at all that deserves that word.

I do have times when I am proud of myself. When I floated instead of sinking. But it isn't enough. It isn't enough to form a life buoy for me to hold on. I will still sink.

There are people who said,"Don't wallow in self-pity, do something about it! Gain back your confidence!"

Easier said than done.

I wallowed in self-pity for many years..and I am still trying to keep myself afloat. It was never easy, and I am still wallowing...

But I am still optimistic. I hope that one day, I will achieve something big that will pull me out of pity and into the sunshine. I hope one day I will bask in that sunlight instead of drowning in the darkness.

I am still looking forward to that and I hope that day will come soon.

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