About
My everyday thoughts and views
Profile
Name: IvyNick: Ironyv
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Birthday: 30 November
Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius
Country: Singapore
Interests: Makeup, Reading books, Reading manga, watching anime, listening to music, slacking
Links
JazerinezPaulSmith
XiaoBai
Interesting Links
Mumblings of Bubblemunche
The Calm One
XiaXue: The supposedly best blogger in
Singapore
Blogskin
Previous Posts
- The end of a chapter
- All about Massage:GSS
- My stupid internet connection:Extreme tiredness
- Projects, Projects and more Projects!!!
- Self Criticism:Self esteem
- 2Cs: Casinos and Chinese
- About myself part 1
- Depressed: Looking back
- Media Planning:Loneliness
- Pictures~~
Archives
- July 2003
- August 2003
- September 2003
- October 2003
- November 2003
- February 2004
- March 2004
- April 2004
- July 2004
- August 2004
- September 2004
- October 2004
- November 2004
- December 2004
- January 2005
- February 2005
- March 2005
- April 2005
- May 2005
- June 2005
Wish List
Digital CameraTo enroll into a makeup class
To go Japan to see my host family
To meet all the friends that I have been longing to meet (look below)
Meeting List
My polytechnic school mates: Jennifer, Changli, Jolene, Kiat, Grace, Sandy..etcMy ex company colleagues: Kelly, Liting, YingChao
My cousins
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Thursday, April 28, 2005
I've decided to write on these two related issues because I am feeling low yesterday and today. The irony is that although I stand tall at 1.71m, I have a very low esteem. One insult, one discriminating stare, every month's PMS will reduce me into a depressed wreck.
Why yesterday and today? Well, it all started yesterday when I was conducting a subject's project meeting. I was the leader of the group, although I wasn't supposed to be. For all the group projects, it was usually my other group mate that headed the group. It so happened that for this semester, we are grouped together for 2 units; Strategic Marketing and Advertising 211.
My group mate, call her A, was a good leader. She headed the Strategic Marketing project which was a rather demanding project. Thus, for Advertising 211, she suggested to B and I to have either one of us as the Ad211 leader. I volunteered.
I volunteered because B and I had another group project for Media Planning and I reckoned that Ad211 would be less demanding than Media Planning. It was rather selfish for me to choose Ad211 rather than Media Planning. And I got my retribution for that...
The first meeting for Ad211 was uneventful. I was supposed to head the project meeting but it seemed that A was leading it instead of me. I was rather okay about it, until the point where we were discussing on the format of the project and she suggested to place a portion in the earlier segments. B and I felt it should not be so and I tried to explain to her. A kept her silence and looking at her uncertain face, I asked her whether she understands what I was trying to say.
"Well, up to you, you are the project leader, I will just follow what you said." was her reply with a shrug.
Maybe I was too sensitive.
Maybe I was being very sensitive.
But what she said really hit a nerve in my brain. I was irritated, pissed. Why? Because she wanted one of us to be the leader, which I did. But she 'subconsciously' headed the first project meeting and after I tried to express my opinions, she shut me off with that sentence. I kept my silence because I do not know whether I overreacted. If I did, then it was ridiculous of me to shoot her back.
Thus, I tried to erase that thought away and tried to direct the group by assigning sections and information to them. Then, we had a meeting yesterday.
My dad had his birthday yesterday. Thus, I told them that I had to go off early while they continue the project discussion. We started our meeting at 5, with A, B and another mate. I was supposed to go off at 7pm, thus, I really wanted to discuss certain parts before I went off.
When we started the discussion, I noticed A was reading the Female magazine B brought for the meeting. I discreetly told her that the meeting started and she said okay. But throughout the discussion, she was reading the magazine and not contributing to the section that I was heading. Once in awhile, she would look up and listened. But she was reading the magazine the whole time I was trying to conduct the discussion.
I felt very pissed. She's not giving me any respect at all. And I was pissed with myself for keeping my mouth shut and not trying to tell her to keep her magazine and contribute. But at the same time, I was trying to figure out why is she behaving that way. Was it because she's going to head the discussion after I left and thus decided to 'time off' for awhile? Was it that I wasn't contributing enough for the other project so she was trying to show her attitude to me in this project?
I can't figure it out.
I left the group at 6.15pm because I felt weary, I felt anger in me. If I stayed on, my face would give my emotions away. Or it already gave my emotions away.
Maybe I was too sensitive. I might have been too paranoid and read too much into her actions. But I felt my ego was crushed. She didn't treat me like a leader at all. It was just a name, a shell with nothing inside.
She made me feel weak again. She made me feel so useless at myself.
It wasn't her fault, because I can choose to stand up for myself. But I couldn't. I was too weak...
She was the catalyst to the pain I am causing to myself. If I am stronger, I can stand up for myself and not be trampled on by her. I was never good at arguements and quarrels. I was bad at expressing my opinions, I wasn't sharp enough. That is why I kept my silence. Because I thought even if I spoke up, she would probably said something back that left me stumped. And I would lose even more.
Why these two issues again? Because I want to rant about myself. When I scrutinize myself, I see a weak mind. I see an ugly face. I spot the flabby areas around me.
I spotted too much weak points in myself that I drowned in self pity. I hated myself, I hated being weak, I hated everything about me. I caused my low self-esteem.
My younger sister told me that her friends and herself thinks that I am pretty. I see nothing in me at all that deserves that word.
I do have times when I am proud of myself. When I floated instead of sinking. But it isn't enough. It isn't enough to form a life buoy for me to hold on. I will still sink.
There are people who said,"Don't wallow in self-pity, do something about it! Gain back your confidence!"
Easier said than done.
I wallowed in self-pity for many years..and I am still trying to keep myself afloat. It was never easy, and I am still wallowing...
But I am still optimistic. I hope that one day, I will achieve something big that will pull me out of pity and into the sunshine. I hope one day I will bask in that sunlight instead of drowning in the darkness.
I am still looking forward to that and I hope that day will come soon.
Why yesterday and today? Well, it all started yesterday when I was conducting a subject's project meeting. I was the leader of the group, although I wasn't supposed to be. For all the group projects, it was usually my other group mate that headed the group. It so happened that for this semester, we are grouped together for 2 units; Strategic Marketing and Advertising 211.
My group mate, call her A, was a good leader. She headed the Strategic Marketing project which was a rather demanding project. Thus, for Advertising 211, she suggested to B and I to have either one of us as the Ad211 leader. I volunteered.
I volunteered because B and I had another group project for Media Planning and I reckoned that Ad211 would be less demanding than Media Planning. It was rather selfish for me to choose Ad211 rather than Media Planning. And I got my retribution for that...
The first meeting for Ad211 was uneventful. I was supposed to head the project meeting but it seemed that A was leading it instead of me. I was rather okay about it, until the point where we were discussing on the format of the project and she suggested to place a portion in the earlier segments. B and I felt it should not be so and I tried to explain to her. A kept her silence and looking at her uncertain face, I asked her whether she understands what I was trying to say.
"Well, up to you, you are the project leader, I will just follow what you said." was her reply with a shrug.
Maybe I was too sensitive.
Maybe I was being very sensitive.
But what she said really hit a nerve in my brain. I was irritated, pissed. Why? Because she wanted one of us to be the leader, which I did. But she 'subconsciously' headed the first project meeting and after I tried to express my opinions, she shut me off with that sentence. I kept my silence because I do not know whether I overreacted. If I did, then it was ridiculous of me to shoot her back.
Thus, I tried to erase that thought away and tried to direct the group by assigning sections and information to them. Then, we had a meeting yesterday.
My dad had his birthday yesterday. Thus, I told them that I had to go off early while they continue the project discussion. We started our meeting at 5, with A, B and another mate. I was supposed to go off at 7pm, thus, I really wanted to discuss certain parts before I went off.
When we started the discussion, I noticed A was reading the Female magazine B brought for the meeting. I discreetly told her that the meeting started and she said okay. But throughout the discussion, she was reading the magazine and not contributing to the section that I was heading. Once in awhile, she would look up and listened. But she was reading the magazine the whole time I was trying to conduct the discussion.
I felt very pissed. She's not giving me any respect at all. And I was pissed with myself for keeping my mouth shut and not trying to tell her to keep her magazine and contribute. But at the same time, I was trying to figure out why is she behaving that way. Was it because she's going to head the discussion after I left and thus decided to 'time off' for awhile? Was it that I wasn't contributing enough for the other project so she was trying to show her attitude to me in this project?
I can't figure it out.
I left the group at 6.15pm because I felt weary, I felt anger in me. If I stayed on, my face would give my emotions away. Or it already gave my emotions away.
Maybe I was too sensitive. I might have been too paranoid and read too much into her actions. But I felt my ego was crushed. She didn't treat me like a leader at all. It was just a name, a shell with nothing inside.
She made me feel weak again. She made me feel so useless at myself.
It wasn't her fault, because I can choose to stand up for myself. But I couldn't. I was too weak...
She was the catalyst to the pain I am causing to myself. If I am stronger, I can stand up for myself and not be trampled on by her. I was never good at arguements and quarrels. I was bad at expressing my opinions, I wasn't sharp enough. That is why I kept my silence. Because I thought even if I spoke up, she would probably said something back that left me stumped. And I would lose even more.
Why these two issues again? Because I want to rant about myself. When I scrutinize myself, I see a weak mind. I see an ugly face. I spot the flabby areas around me.
I spotted too much weak points in myself that I drowned in self pity. I hated myself, I hated being weak, I hated everything about me. I caused my low self-esteem.
My younger sister told me that her friends and herself thinks that I am pretty. I see nothing in me at all that deserves that word.
I do have times when I am proud of myself. When I floated instead of sinking. But it isn't enough. It isn't enough to form a life buoy for me to hold on. I will still sink.
There are people who said,"Don't wallow in self-pity, do something about it! Gain back your confidence!"
Easier said than done.
I wallowed in self-pity for many years..and I am still trying to keep myself afloat. It was never easy, and I am still wallowing...
But I am still optimistic. I hope that one day, I will achieve something big that will pull me out of pity and into the sunshine. I hope one day I will bask in that sunlight instead of drowning in the darkness.
I am still looking forward to that and I hope that day will come soon.
ironyv at Thursday, April 28, 2005
Monday, April 18, 2005
Lets start with Chinese...or mandarin language. Why am I bringing this up?
Well, thats because yesterday, in one of her craze moods, my mum instructed my little sister ( who is going to polytechnic) to write her a chinese composition and to give her 17 chinese words with sample sentences or zhao ju. Yes, that is supposedly done when you are still studying in secondary school. But my mum thinks that we should improve in our mandarin and not dumping it into the river.
My little sister was pissed. She had a B3 for chinese, excuse me. But then again, she is going to polytechnic and had no interest in pursuing this language at all. Both of us are actually more interested in japanese language than chinese language. But that doesn't mean that we do not speak or read mandarin.
We do! I speak Mandarin more than English now and I read chinese translated japanese manga. My sister does that too.
It is just that Mandarin is too demanding, and if you are really intending to be a chinese language teacher, or setting a business that deals with Chinese clients, you can say goodbye to learning Mandarin.
Basic Mandarin is a must, and I do have basic knowledge in the language. But I think in the long run, English language will still be the universal language. The reason why my mum acted that way is because China market is currently the biggest market and has the largest potential. Thus, she thinks that the future customers will mostly be the Chinese and they will rather speak their native language than English.
That reminds me of something that a teacher of mine told me. She told me that in France, if you speak in English, they won't be bothered and would still speak French to you. But if you are smart, and you speak in your native language first, e.g. Mandarin, they would reply in English and see if you understand them. (This information might not be true now, but I am not sure too...)
My mum actually told us that she would also forced my elder sister and I to do chinese compositions as well. T_T...I am totally speechless, while my elder sister was irritated. Whatever!
Oh, and Singapore's going to have not one, but two casinos! Great! Good for the economy, more people will have jobs and we will have a better life. On the other hand, higher crime rates, more people dwelling into gambling world, more secret societies and more suicide rates...are casinos that necessary?
Well, in my own opinion, I think it really depends on the government. If the government does an excellent job, we can ensure that our life will be a ok. But we shouldn't just rely on just the government to tell us what to do.
Singaporeans should be proactive! I mean, really, I feel we Singaporeans always depend on the government when we need help, when we are unhappy with something, when we are in financial trouble. Somehow, we are very dependent on our government. It is not not good, but it is not good either...
And somehow, I feel Singaporeans' kiasuism is really an irritating thing. We even have advertisements that featured kiasuim! Like the NKF advertisement on donating using sms and win free gifts. I find that advertisement a really good example because it basically shows a man who was about to have his lunch picked up his phone to donate through sms because he overheard some people who say that they win some good prizes after sms-ing.
Firstly, that is a very kiasu move. Secondly, aren't you suppose to donate because you want to, because you want to help the kidney failure patients? Instead of promoting that kind of desirable behaviour, we are promoting the fact that 'got prize, then i will donate' kind of mentality. That angers me alot.
Look at the tsunami aid. That was very successful, without any prizes to offer, people still donate. But I believe after the tsunami disaster, everyone kinda felt tired of donating, thus NKF has to go through that kind of extreme. But I still dislike it. I would rather they use those money on their needy patients.
*coughs* I think I have touched on more than two topics actually..but who cares! *shrugs*
Well, thats because yesterday, in one of her craze moods, my mum instructed my little sister ( who is going to polytechnic) to write her a chinese composition and to give her 17 chinese words with sample sentences or zhao ju. Yes, that is supposedly done when you are still studying in secondary school. But my mum thinks that we should improve in our mandarin and not dumping it into the river.
My little sister was pissed. She had a B3 for chinese, excuse me. But then again, she is going to polytechnic and had no interest in pursuing this language at all. Both of us are actually more interested in japanese language than chinese language. But that doesn't mean that we do not speak or read mandarin.
We do! I speak Mandarin more than English now and I read chinese translated japanese manga. My sister does that too.
It is just that Mandarin is too demanding, and if you are really intending to be a chinese language teacher, or setting a business that deals with Chinese clients, you can say goodbye to learning Mandarin.
Basic Mandarin is a must, and I do have basic knowledge in the language. But I think in the long run, English language will still be the universal language. The reason why my mum acted that way is because China market is currently the biggest market and has the largest potential. Thus, she thinks that the future customers will mostly be the Chinese and they will rather speak their native language than English.
That reminds me of something that a teacher of mine told me. She told me that in France, if you speak in English, they won't be bothered and would still speak French to you. But if you are smart, and you speak in your native language first, e.g. Mandarin, they would reply in English and see if you understand them. (This information might not be true now, but I am not sure too...)
My mum actually told us that she would also forced my elder sister and I to do chinese compositions as well. T_T...I am totally speechless, while my elder sister was irritated. Whatever!
Oh, and Singapore's going to have not one, but two casinos! Great! Good for the economy, more people will have jobs and we will have a better life. On the other hand, higher crime rates, more people dwelling into gambling world, more secret societies and more suicide rates...are casinos that necessary?
Well, in my own opinion, I think it really depends on the government. If the government does an excellent job, we can ensure that our life will be a ok. But we shouldn't just rely on just the government to tell us what to do.
Singaporeans should be proactive! I mean, really, I feel we Singaporeans always depend on the government when we need help, when we are unhappy with something, when we are in financial trouble. Somehow, we are very dependent on our government. It is not not good, but it is not good either...
And somehow, I feel Singaporeans' kiasuism is really an irritating thing. We even have advertisements that featured kiasuim! Like the NKF advertisement on donating using sms and win free gifts. I find that advertisement a really good example because it basically shows a man who was about to have his lunch picked up his phone to donate through sms because he overheard some people who say that they win some good prizes after sms-ing.
Firstly, that is a very kiasu move. Secondly, aren't you suppose to donate because you want to, because you want to help the kidney failure patients? Instead of promoting that kind of desirable behaviour, we are promoting the fact that 'got prize, then i will donate' kind of mentality. That angers me alot.
Look at the tsunami aid. That was very successful, without any prizes to offer, people still donate. But I believe after the tsunami disaster, everyone kinda felt tired of donating, thus NKF has to go through that kind of extreme. But I still dislike it. I would rather they use those money on their needy patients.
*coughs* I think I have touched on more than two topics actually..but who cares! *shrugs*
ironyv at Monday, April 18, 2005
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Got it from my friend's blog..here goes!
Name 4 books on your bookshelf:
1. Cookery and baking books. Always buy and never use..sigh..
2. My files and textbooks...
3. Perfume--> Boss Intense..Love it!~
4. Photo albums...I have no space to put them else where..lol
Name 4 VCDs in your collection:
1. Chicago~!
2. Amelie
3. Spirited Away...is an anime and I love it!
4. More animes..haha
Name 4 things on your walls:
1. Bleach manga poster
2. Wall
3. Wall
4. Wall (I actually put some MAC post cards...but my mum ask me to take them down..lol
Name 4 things in your closet:
1. Clothes in my wardrobe
2. Old files with my notes from polytechnice
3. More textbooks
4. Some handbags..yah, i kept them in my closet 'cos there is no space to put in my room..lol
Name 4 songs/CDs in your music collection (playlist or other):
1. Gackt
2. Maroon 5
3. Ayumi Hamasaki
4. Robbie Williams >__<
Name 4 real life stores you shop at regularly:
1. Tenchi...for manga..haha
2. Shops in orchard..where I get my clothes..
3. Kinokuniya
4. hmm...I can't think of anything else..lol...OH! MAC or Clinique!
Name 4 animals that you've come face-to-face with in real life:
1. Cats
2. Dogs.
3. Fishes.
4. Monitor lizard in nature reserve
Name 4 things in your wallet/purse:
1. Cards, lots of them..my debit card, my nets card, my membership cards, name cards, ezlink card, my student card....
2. money lah~
3. receipts...always forget to take them out..haha
4. Calendar...yah..hahah
Thats all for now..lol
Name 4 books on your bookshelf:
1. Cookery and baking books. Always buy and never use..sigh..
2. My files and textbooks...
3. Perfume--> Boss Intense..Love it!~
4. Photo albums...I have no space to put them else where..lol
Name 4 VCDs in your collection:
1. Chicago~!
2. Amelie
3. Spirited Away...is an anime and I love it!
4. More animes..haha
Name 4 things on your walls:
1. Bleach manga poster
2. Wall
3. Wall
4. Wall (I actually put some MAC post cards...but my mum ask me to take them down..lol
Name 4 things in your closet:
1. Clothes in my wardrobe
2. Old files with my notes from polytechnice
3. More textbooks
4. Some handbags..yah, i kept them in my closet 'cos there is no space to put in my room..lol
Name 4 songs/CDs in your music collection (playlist or other):
1. Gackt
2. Maroon 5
3. Ayumi Hamasaki
4. Robbie Williams >__<
Name 4 real life stores you shop at regularly:
1. Tenchi...for manga..haha
2. Shops in orchard..where I get my clothes..
3. Kinokuniya
4. hmm...I can't think of anything else..lol...OH! MAC or Clinique!
Name 4 animals that you've come face-to-face with in real life:
1. Cats
2. Dogs.
3. Fishes.
4. Monitor lizard in nature reserve
Name 4 things in your wallet/purse:
1. Cards, lots of them..my debit card, my nets card, my membership cards, name cards, ezlink card, my student card....
2. money lah~
3. receipts...always forget to take them out..haha
4. Calendar...yah..hahah
Thats all for now..lol
ironyv at Saturday, April 16, 2005
Saturday, April 09, 2005
I was a depressed girl yesterday. It just happened when I think too much. The sad songs that I have in my laptop doesn't help in lifting my mood either..haha...thus I was simply sad and angsty the whole day yesterday.
When I have too many thoughts running in my head, I will get all worked up over what I have thought and I simply wished my mind could stop functioning at that moment of time. I think too much sometimes, and the thoughts I have are usually very pessimistic views.
Anyway, I felt better after a friend of mine sent me some stupid but hilarious videos. It really cheer me up so I am thankful to my friend...
I was reading my past blog posts and I must say, when you are depressed, the things that you write sounds more profound and angsty. I was and still am a depressed girl, trying to figure out how to go on with my life. I may look happy at times, but when I am alone, I may find my smile faltering. But I am glad that I still have my friends, my sisters and a boyfriend to count on when I feel like my world is crashing down.
Man...why am I writing such a depressing post today?! hahah....maybe I have yet to get over the depression I had yesterday..lol...
When I have too many thoughts running in my head, I will get all worked up over what I have thought and I simply wished my mind could stop functioning at that moment of time. I think too much sometimes, and the thoughts I have are usually very pessimistic views.
Anyway, I felt better after a friend of mine sent me some stupid but hilarious videos. It really cheer me up so I am thankful to my friend...
I was reading my past blog posts and I must say, when you are depressed, the things that you write sounds more profound and angsty. I was and still am a depressed girl, trying to figure out how to go on with my life. I may look happy at times, but when I am alone, I may find my smile faltering. But I am glad that I still have my friends, my sisters and a boyfriend to count on when I feel like my world is crashing down.
Man...why am I writing such a depressing post today?! hahah....maybe I have yet to get over the depression I had yesterday..lol...
ironyv at Saturday, April 09, 2005
Thursday, April 07, 2005
MEDIA PLANNING SUCKS!!!
*coughs*
Sorry...I am just ranting over the fact that I have NO IDEA how to start my frigging individual assignment that is due on the 14th of April. We are supposed to compare 2 media vehicles from the three media (Print, TV and Radio) and come up with a managerial report of 20-25 pages.
I have no idea how to start in the first place.
Yes, I do have the information, but I do not know what should I write in that assignment...sigh...is already 7th April...a week for me to rush it out...sigh...
Okay, on a more depressing issue, I am feeling pangs of loneliness nowadays.
I used to be more immune to loneliness; being alone is fine for me in the past. But it is only recently that I find myself feeling lonely...and I do not like it. I find myself seeking company with friends and family simply because I can't stand being lonely anymore.
If I am not wrong, I believe the lonely rides to and fro to school on a bus is getting on my nerves. I have to take an hour and 15 mins ride from home to my school and I do it alone all the time. I would stare out the bus, looking at the passing scenary and dream. I would be listening to music, mouthing the songs out.
But I am all alone. No one to talk to, just the window image of myself.
Sigh...I really should be more independent, like I am when I was younger.
*coughs*
Sorry...I am just ranting over the fact that I have NO IDEA how to start my frigging individual assignment that is due on the 14th of April. We are supposed to compare 2 media vehicles from the three media (Print, TV and Radio) and come up with a managerial report of 20-25 pages.
I have no idea how to start in the first place.
Yes, I do have the information, but I do not know what should I write in that assignment...sigh...is already 7th April...a week for me to rush it out...sigh...
Okay, on a more depressing issue, I am feeling pangs of loneliness nowadays.
I used to be more immune to loneliness; being alone is fine for me in the past. But it is only recently that I find myself feeling lonely...and I do not like it. I find myself seeking company with friends and family simply because I can't stand being lonely anymore.
If I am not wrong, I believe the lonely rides to and fro to school on a bus is getting on my nerves. I have to take an hour and 15 mins ride from home to my school and I do it alone all the time. I would stare out the bus, looking at the passing scenary and dream. I would be listening to music, mouthing the songs out.
But I am all alone. No one to talk to, just the window image of myself.
Sigh...I really should be more independent, like I am when I was younger.
ironyv at Thursday, April 07, 2005
Sunday, April 03, 2005
hahah...yeah, i do not have digital camera, but my elder sister has a good camera phone so here goes!~
First up, my sisters~!!!
Thats my kawaii younger sister and my elder sister looking very...*snickers*
Anyway, next up, my sisters and I~!
My younger sister and I looking round... >__<
My elder sister and I looking japanese (thats what my younger sister said... -_-'')
Thats all~!! Hope I can take more pictures and post it here~~
First up, my sisters~!!!
Thats my kawaii younger sister and my elder sister looking very...*snickers*
Anyway, next up, my sisters and I~!
My younger sister and I looking round... >__<
My elder sister and I looking japanese (thats what my younger sister said... -_-'')
Thats all~!! Hope I can take more pictures and post it here~~
ironyv at Sunday, April 03, 2005